Exclusive! Sarah Palin Interview

Sadie Lou’s own Rebecca Rubenstein lands an exclusive debate-day interview with Sarah Palin.

Rebecca Rubenstein: As a Sarah Lawrence student, I tend to be very confrontational and opinionated, so I’m just going to put it out there –

Sarah Palin: Oh sure.

RR: Mrs. Palin…or do you mind if I call you Sarah? I’m kind of used to calling authority figures by their first names.

SP: Oh, you know, as a hockey mom, as you know I am one, all the kids on the team call me Sarah. But, really, I have to say that since being given this wonderful opportunity to be the vice-presidential candidate for John [McCain], who I feel is the most qualified presidential candidate to date, what with his maverick, should be having me be called Mrs. Palin. After all, I have been married for 20 years now to my childhood sweetheart Todd.

RR: Okay… [Confused look.] To get to my first question, right off the bat I’d like to ask you about your so-called foreign policy “experience.” I know that you had some difficulty answering when Katie Couric addressed the topic in her interview, but since you will inevitably be discussing this at length in tonight’s VP debate, perhaps you’ve had some time to rethink the question.

SP: It’s funny you should ask that particular question in such a way, because I ultimately take a strong stance against rethinking. We are in such a state of Iraq that we can’t afford to blink, much less think more than once. Rethinking, if you think about it, is clearly a sign of weakness. But to answer your original question, I think foreigners are really given a short stick in this country, but it is nothing compared to the sticks in their countries.

RR: I see… [A look of slight alarm.] Could you specify your experience with foreign policy, though?

SP: Um.

RR: For instance, I am experienced at going to the gym…because I walk to the gym, and I interact with the equipment in the gym. Do you understand the question now?

SP: Oh I think the gymnasium is one of the favorite places of myself to spend time in the day.

RR: I’m sorry?

SP: Oh gym equipment and me go way back, you know that I was Miss Congeniality in the Miss Alaska pageant, of which I am still very proud, and I have been going to the gym every day since to try to keep myself in figure.

RR: Maybe I should ask another question. Your eldest daughter, Bristol, has received a lot of media attention during this campaign due to her pregnancy. As someone who has been so outspoken about teaching abstinence and family values, how does this affect you?

SP: I have to say I think all of the attention has been rather offensive. There is nothing more American than a man marrying a woman.

RR: But Bristol isn’t married yet…

SP: I’m sorry, our wedding invitations have all already gone out.

RR: What?

SP: Well, I’m sorry to say this during an interview, but it would be very difficult to invite you, this has been a very popular wedding after all.

RR: [Sigh.] Nevermind. Third question: how do you feel about Tina Fey’s portrayal of you on Saturday Night Live?

SP: First of all, let me just say that I usually don’t stay up that late to watch shows, but my son was nice enough to show me some parts from the You-Tubes. Honestly, I don’t understand why everyone in the liberal media could think that she looks so much like me. I know that part of taking on such a public face with the public means being open to humor and mocking, but as you know, John and I have tried very hard to differentiate our campaign from the celebrity-driven campaign of Barack Obama, which was further supported by the work of Paris Hilton, you know. And I think that if anyone deserves humor and mocking, it is clearly Barack Obama and not John and me.

RR: Let’s be candid for a second. What do you really think of Barack Obama?

SP: To be frank, it still amazes me that Barack Obama had the audacity to go on a vacation to Europe while we were heading toward such an economic crisis that this country has never seen before, of which John McCain instead of going on vacation has done everything in his power including suspend his own campaign not lollygagging around with the French and the Germans while we’re at war with the terrorists and everyone at home is suffering from the demands of a weakening economy.

RR: Yeah… [Checks watch.] Well, fancy that, we’re almost out of time.

SP: Oh dear.

RR: Last question: if John McCain were to die during his term, and you were to become President of the United States, what is the first thing you would do while in office?

SP: God forbid such an event should ever occur, I think the first thing I would do would be to - well, I’ve heard that the President receives free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream - and I think the first thing for me to do would be to order myself some Chunky Monkey, because ice cream always makes me feel better when I know I’ve got tough times ahead.

RR: Uh huh… [A look of immeasurable disdain.] Well, thank you for your time.

SP: No, thank you, and God bless America.